TW: Suicide, Self-harm, food stuffs
When I set this blog up, I planned to use it to raise awareness of the realities of living with a mental illness, both in the good and bad times. However. I have lately been going through a really bad phase and have neglected the blog. I have found myself thinking that I shouldn't write about what is happening, which isn't true.
Mental illnesses are anything but cute, and recent social media trends like 'Cut for Zayne' which romanticised self harm, disgust me. People who pretend to have mental illnesses need educating.
This has all been brought to the fore for me this week. Last week I found out that one of my course mates thought I had faked being physically ill to get out of doing a test, so I don't even want to know what they think about me missing lectures or getting extra time on exams because of mental illness. The main thing that has brought this to my mind is finding out that my ex- best friend is starting a course in MY school at my university. This means I am probably going to see her quite a bit. I haven't seen her since I got my A-Level results and haven't spoke to her since November but I am still worried.
She was always really controlling of me, getting mad if I spoke to someone else more than her. When I broke up with my ex, she took his side. He broke up with me because I was ill, she told people that I'd LIED about being ill just to get out of seeing him... Then she had a go at me over Facebook, said she had 'too much going on to deal with this'. I agreed that I also had a lot going on. I explained that I had been battling with self-harm, trying to not starve myself and convincing myself to take my tablets. Her exact reaction was 'everyone has problems'. Now, I don't blame anyone else for my actions, I did them. But I do think that getting that reaction to opening up for the first time stopped me going to anyone else.
Anyway I want to tell the truth of how mental illness has affected my life lately.
I have been struggling with very little concentration lately, which is very difficult when I have exams coming up in three weeks. I have done very little work for my exams, which is causing my anxiety to get a little out of control.
I have been really struggling with self-harm urges. To the point where I have been crying myself to sleep convinced I will not be strong enough to get through it.
Yesterday was probably the scariest day I've lived through. I woke up wishing I hadn't. The rest of the day, all I had in my head was how much I wanted to die. It was so scary. I do not know how on earth I managed to keep myself safe but I did.
Nicola x
When I set this blog up, I planned to use it to raise awareness of the realities of living with a mental illness, both in the good and bad times. However. I have lately been going through a really bad phase and have neglected the blog. I have found myself thinking that I shouldn't write about what is happening, which isn't true.
Mental illnesses are anything but cute, and recent social media trends like 'Cut for Zayne' which romanticised self harm, disgust me. People who pretend to have mental illnesses need educating.
This has all been brought to the fore for me this week. Last week I found out that one of my course mates thought I had faked being physically ill to get out of doing a test, so I don't even want to know what they think about me missing lectures or getting extra time on exams because of mental illness. The main thing that has brought this to my mind is finding out that my ex- best friend is starting a course in MY school at my university. This means I am probably going to see her quite a bit. I haven't seen her since I got my A-Level results and haven't spoke to her since November but I am still worried.
She was always really controlling of me, getting mad if I spoke to someone else more than her. When I broke up with my ex, she took his side. He broke up with me because I was ill, she told people that I'd LIED about being ill just to get out of seeing him... Then she had a go at me over Facebook, said she had 'too much going on to deal with this'. I agreed that I also had a lot going on. I explained that I had been battling with self-harm, trying to not starve myself and convincing myself to take my tablets. Her exact reaction was 'everyone has problems'. Now, I don't blame anyone else for my actions, I did them. But I do think that getting that reaction to opening up for the first time stopped me going to anyone else.
Anyway I want to tell the truth of how mental illness has affected my life lately.
I have been struggling with very little concentration lately, which is very difficult when I have exams coming up in three weeks. I have done very little work for my exams, which is causing my anxiety to get a little out of control.
I have been really struggling with self-harm urges. To the point where I have been crying myself to sleep convinced I will not be strong enough to get through it.
Yesterday was probably the scariest day I've lived through. I woke up wishing I hadn't. The rest of the day, all I had in my head was how much I wanted to die. It was so scary. I do not know how on earth I managed to keep myself safe but I did.
Nicola x