From an early age I knew that there was something different about me. I knew of things which I shouldn't have. I craved for love and attention in a manner which was beyond my years. I was lonely and insecure growing up. I trusted some and was scared of others.
30 years later I am dealing with these thoughts and feelings as if they happened only yesterday. The dark scares me, my dreams are full of fear, shame and guilt, I am as insecure, anxious and paranoid as ever. But now I am a wife and a mother. I'm not a little child any more and there is not the time for these things to disturb me.
I don't sit and dwell on the past. I know what happened, I know that it's not going to go away and I also appreciate that I have over 20 years of damage which I must find a way to come to terms with.
I suppose that I was first aware of feeling mentally different when I was a teenager. I didn't fit in, even though I desperately wanted to. I was shy and introverted most of the time, yet I was up for experimenting with drink, drugs and sex. I shoplifted, I hung out with the types of people I knew my mum would hate. I bunked of school getting expelled twice in the same year by two different schools. I was a rebel. Adults pissed me off, school bored me and I just didn't want to know any more. I became disenchanted with life and my feeble attempts to end things didn't work. I was seemingly destined to be stuck here awhile longer. If that was the case, then I'd make life whatever I wanted it to be.
The last school I attended when I was 14-16 was a small day school. My misbehaviour had me in the headteachers office on a daily basis (when I was there). I was given an ultimatum. I could be expelled and wind up in juvenile detention for all my bad behaviour, or I could be in school everyday by 10am. I would be referred an Education welfare officer (aka social worker) and helped to work through my problems.
My mum had by this point pretty much washed her hands of me and school so it was my dad who negotiated terms on my behalf. I would go if I could drop a bunch of subjects which I had no chance of passing for gcse.
Agreement made, I had to tow the line. I wasn't happy about it to start with, but I found friends and soon had a reason for going to school. I worked my butt off and for the first time in my life teachers seemed to be impressed with my work and I found a place where I felt safe.
I joined a youth club too. It was a hub of people around my age. I loved it. We did first aid and suddenly I found something that I was naturally good at. I came alive and going there took me away from home. From all the stress and the feeling of rejection and not belonging that I felt.
I still drank, smoked, took drugs, had sex and self-harmed, but I also worked hard. I volunteered all my spare time and studied. I had some focus, I wanted to be a paramedic. I was really good with all that kind of stuff and I needed to get some qualifications. I had found a passion...at least I thought I had.
At 15 I went on a youth course with the group, it was a counselling course. I had a counsellor myself and didn't really think much of her so I wasn't expecting too much. I was only going because I figured that it would be another certificate and would build up my cv. I was taken completely by surprise. It was fascinating. We didn't have to sit there and do stupid role play stuff, but we had a proper introduction to some psychology and other theories behind counselling and the different approaches.
I was hooked, from that moment on I knew that this was an area that I wanted to learn more about. I wanted to work with people and help them using these theories and methods.
I worked hard and managed to get 8 gcses grades A-C. I surprised everyone, including myself by getting an A for maths!! I secured my place for 6th form college doing psychology a level with further maths and stats.
Things however were never destined to be that easy. I had glandular fever and my first year of a levels was an utter mess. My second year ended prematurely because my mental health disintegrated. I took an od just before Christmas when I was 17. It was quite a big one and took me about 3 months to recover from the physical effects of it. But mentally...I put back on the veneer and went back out with my friends, tried to find a job or course, anything to get me out of the house.
Fast forward 17 years to today. I never managed to get where I had planned all those years ago at 15. I went down dangerous paths, fell pregnant at 18, married at 21, divorced and married again before I was 26 and had 3 children by the time I was 27. To my mother I am what I can only describe as a disappointment.
However, although I have not reached my goal, I have something for more important. I have somewhere I feel safe. I have my own family. My husband, 2 daughters and son. They encourage and support me with my dreams. My husband helped support me whilst I went back to college when I was 30 to get and access diploma and he has supported me going to uni to be a social worker which failed because I had a massive breakdown. But they are all still here by my side encouraging me to succeed where I dream of a future.
Life has been very, very tough. I haven't talked about that experience because at the moment I cannot find words, nor can I come with them when they come out. Suffice to say that there are many things around me which I am triggered by and scared of. I am scarred physically and mentally by my experiences and each day that I wake up is a huge achievement.
I have diagnosed borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety, although there are also strong signs of bipolar 2. Regardless of what I have, life is far from easy and there are days when it's infinitely harder than others.
Tomorrow I start counselling again. I'm nervous about it as it's been awhile, but I am determined that I'm going to make progress. I need to make progress. The past haunts my nights, but my days are haunted by my mental health and how my mood is. It's a challenege. Some days I feel like I want to give up. I've tried many times to give up, but there is something that keeps me here. My children and husband are part of that reason. But there is another pull.
That pull is the woman that I am today. I want to make my past into something that has real meaning and that can help others, men or women, to keep on going even in the darkest of moments. I want my life to mean something more...I want to prove people wrong about me and I want to be able to be proud of myself. Ive not got this far in my life on my own, but I have got through many obstacles and I'm still standing. Perhaps a little battle weary, and on dark days the world can do one. But today, although not great, I have made it through and that is an achievement. For me, that's a great achievement. And that's what matters.
I am at home, safe with my family who love me with the endless possibilities that await for me tomorrow. One day, I will reach my dream, my past will not conquer me.
Lib
Twitter: @Lib_fallenangel
30 years later I am dealing with these thoughts and feelings as if they happened only yesterday. The dark scares me, my dreams are full of fear, shame and guilt, I am as insecure, anxious and paranoid as ever. But now I am a wife and a mother. I'm not a little child any more and there is not the time for these things to disturb me.
I don't sit and dwell on the past. I know what happened, I know that it's not going to go away and I also appreciate that I have over 20 years of damage which I must find a way to come to terms with.
I suppose that I was first aware of feeling mentally different when I was a teenager. I didn't fit in, even though I desperately wanted to. I was shy and introverted most of the time, yet I was up for experimenting with drink, drugs and sex. I shoplifted, I hung out with the types of people I knew my mum would hate. I bunked of school getting expelled twice in the same year by two different schools. I was a rebel. Adults pissed me off, school bored me and I just didn't want to know any more. I became disenchanted with life and my feeble attempts to end things didn't work. I was seemingly destined to be stuck here awhile longer. If that was the case, then I'd make life whatever I wanted it to be.
The last school I attended when I was 14-16 was a small day school. My misbehaviour had me in the headteachers office on a daily basis (when I was there). I was given an ultimatum. I could be expelled and wind up in juvenile detention for all my bad behaviour, or I could be in school everyday by 10am. I would be referred an Education welfare officer (aka social worker) and helped to work through my problems.
My mum had by this point pretty much washed her hands of me and school so it was my dad who negotiated terms on my behalf. I would go if I could drop a bunch of subjects which I had no chance of passing for gcse.
Agreement made, I had to tow the line. I wasn't happy about it to start with, but I found friends and soon had a reason for going to school. I worked my butt off and for the first time in my life teachers seemed to be impressed with my work and I found a place where I felt safe.
I joined a youth club too. It was a hub of people around my age. I loved it. We did first aid and suddenly I found something that I was naturally good at. I came alive and going there took me away from home. From all the stress and the feeling of rejection and not belonging that I felt.
I still drank, smoked, took drugs, had sex and self-harmed, but I also worked hard. I volunteered all my spare time and studied. I had some focus, I wanted to be a paramedic. I was really good with all that kind of stuff and I needed to get some qualifications. I had found a passion...at least I thought I had.
At 15 I went on a youth course with the group, it was a counselling course. I had a counsellor myself and didn't really think much of her so I wasn't expecting too much. I was only going because I figured that it would be another certificate and would build up my cv. I was taken completely by surprise. It was fascinating. We didn't have to sit there and do stupid role play stuff, but we had a proper introduction to some psychology and other theories behind counselling and the different approaches.
I was hooked, from that moment on I knew that this was an area that I wanted to learn more about. I wanted to work with people and help them using these theories and methods.
I worked hard and managed to get 8 gcses grades A-C. I surprised everyone, including myself by getting an A for maths!! I secured my place for 6th form college doing psychology a level with further maths and stats.
Things however were never destined to be that easy. I had glandular fever and my first year of a levels was an utter mess. My second year ended prematurely because my mental health disintegrated. I took an od just before Christmas when I was 17. It was quite a big one and took me about 3 months to recover from the physical effects of it. But mentally...I put back on the veneer and went back out with my friends, tried to find a job or course, anything to get me out of the house.
Fast forward 17 years to today. I never managed to get where I had planned all those years ago at 15. I went down dangerous paths, fell pregnant at 18, married at 21, divorced and married again before I was 26 and had 3 children by the time I was 27. To my mother I am what I can only describe as a disappointment.
However, although I have not reached my goal, I have something for more important. I have somewhere I feel safe. I have my own family. My husband, 2 daughters and son. They encourage and support me with my dreams. My husband helped support me whilst I went back to college when I was 30 to get and access diploma and he has supported me going to uni to be a social worker which failed because I had a massive breakdown. But they are all still here by my side encouraging me to succeed where I dream of a future.
Life has been very, very tough. I haven't talked about that experience because at the moment I cannot find words, nor can I come with them when they come out. Suffice to say that there are many things around me which I am triggered by and scared of. I am scarred physically and mentally by my experiences and each day that I wake up is a huge achievement.
I have diagnosed borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety, although there are also strong signs of bipolar 2. Regardless of what I have, life is far from easy and there are days when it's infinitely harder than others.
Tomorrow I start counselling again. I'm nervous about it as it's been awhile, but I am determined that I'm going to make progress. I need to make progress. The past haunts my nights, but my days are haunted by my mental health and how my mood is. It's a challenege. Some days I feel like I want to give up. I've tried many times to give up, but there is something that keeps me here. My children and husband are part of that reason. But there is another pull.
That pull is the woman that I am today. I want to make my past into something that has real meaning and that can help others, men or women, to keep on going even in the darkest of moments. I want my life to mean something more...I want to prove people wrong about me and I want to be able to be proud of myself. Ive not got this far in my life on my own, but I have got through many obstacles and I'm still standing. Perhaps a little battle weary, and on dark days the world can do one. But today, although not great, I have made it through and that is an achievement. For me, that's a great achievement. And that's what matters.
I am at home, safe with my family who love me with the endless possibilities that await for me tomorrow. One day, I will reach my dream, my past will not conquer me.
Lib
Twitter: @Lib_fallenangel