I haven't done a post on how I am lately, kind of because I have been so busy with the second semester at uni.
At the start of February, I went on Advanced Training with Peer Educators. This means I am now able to take sessions on Free Being Me, their topic for body image. From getting this training, I have a lot of sessions lined up. All but one of these groups are new to me which could be very scary but I know that I will get through them with my friend there.
I got my exam results for the January exam period. Considering how I was feeling when I was sitting them, I did amazing well. I am super proud of myself!
I got discharged from CMHT because, since I go to uni, I am not ill enough to need their treatment. In my first appointment, I had told them that I had self-harmed in the previous week and last appointment, I told them that I had started avoiding situations which to me would both be things that would trigger alarm bells ringing. Unfortunately, services like these are so underfunded and overstretched that they almost find any excuse not to offer someone treatment. This means people fall through the cracks. The town where I live has a very high rate of young suicides, especially for a town with a population of about 30,000. You would think the services in this town would be striving to try to reduce these statistics, not let people slip through the net.
I have been wanting to move out of my parental home for ages, but didn't think it would be happening next year because I had no one to move in with. Just yesterday, a space opened up in a friends house so *fingers crossed* I will be moving out next academic year!!
This week, I got some bad news. Nearly exactly three years after my step-granny died of bowel cancer, a mass was found in my granda's bowel. He has to go for further tests to see if it is malignant or benign but I can't help but think the worst. Especially since I know he has had symptoms ever since Laura died so it may have been there for three years. I also discovered that he nearly died over Christmas. There was an incident with a child of one of his friends where he offered the child a lift, they didn't recognise him and the police were called. Once the father of the child realised it was my granda, he dropped the case with the police. The mother however, sent emails to everyone in my grandas work (she works in the same place) saying that my granda had tried to kidnap her son. My granda has been suffering with depression (probably not diagnosed because he never goes to a doctor) for the best part of three years. This pushed him over the edge and he tried to kill himself. Luckily it didn't work and he is still with us and the issue with the child has been cleared up.
I was having a pretty bad start to this week anyway, but this news about my granda pushed me over the edge. I wanted to shut up the voices for just one night so that I could get a good nights sleep. I may have taken a few too many over the counter sleeping tablets. I justified it to myself by saying they aren't that strong because they aren't prescribed. After it however, I realised how stupid I was and I have been beating myself up about it ever since. I am going to go back to my GP this week to try to get it sorted. I don't like being this close to the edge. I shudder when I think about what could have happened on Tuesday. I have since binned the remaining tablets so I will not be tempted to repeat the mistake.
Nicola x