2014 has been a roller coaster ride for me. I'm not going to lie and say it was amazing- it wasn't. Between dealing with mental health problems and with personal things that were going on. But it also wasn't totally rubbish! I fulfilled two lifelong dream by doing a skydive and getting to my dream university to do the course of my choice! I also got a car, which was totally unexpected and has helped me become more independent. I now don't know what I would do without Holly (my car!!). This is my review of the year!:
January
January was kind of boring! The main things that occurred was that I sat a module of my biology A-level and met a guy who I went out with for the next few months.
February
February started with me going on a training weekend for Peer Educators, an initiative run by Girlguiding UK. It was pretty nerve-wracking because not only did I have to share a room with people I did not know, I also had to learn how to present a number of topics to a group of people. When I signed up for it I knew it would be challenging but I also knew I would love it once I got started.
It was also my formal in late February. Since I was in upper sixth, this was my last formal as a pupil of that school. It was great. It was especially good as my friends in the year below me could also come. For the first and last time we were all together.
My problems with mental health issues began to start in February. All that was mentioned in school was how close exams and the end of the year was. It scared me thinking that the security of the school that I had been in for so long, the routine that I had in place could be gone so quickly with nothing certain coming after it. I was also getting worried about my exams. I had to get ABB to get into the university I wanted. I was sitting on AAB but the B was in chemistry. I needed a B to get in to the course so if I dropped at all in chemistry, as people normally do, I would not get into the course I wanted. I started having trouble getting to sleep. It was gradual and wasn't really affecting me at this point. I also found I couldn't leave the house on weekdays unless I could justify it. I couldn't bare to be out of my house and not working. It made me think that I was going to fail and let everyone down.
It was also my formal in late February. Since I was in upper sixth, this was my last formal as a pupil of that school. It was great. It was especially good as my friends in the year below me could also come. For the first and last time we were all together.
My problems with mental health issues began to start in February. All that was mentioned in school was how close exams and the end of the year was. It scared me thinking that the security of the school that I had been in for so long, the routine that I had in place could be gone so quickly with nothing certain coming after it. I was also getting worried about my exams. I had to get ABB to get into the university I wanted. I was sitting on AAB but the B was in chemistry. I needed a B to get in to the course so if I dropped at all in chemistry, as people normally do, I would not get into the course I wanted. I started having trouble getting to sleep. It was gradual and wasn't really affecting me at this point. I also found I couldn't leave the house on weekdays unless I could justify it. I couldn't bare to be out of my house and not working. It made me think that I was going to fail and let everyone down.
March
March was pretty eventful. I did my first Peer Educator session on communication with my best friend. I didn't think it went too well because the girls didn't really engage and they messed about but their leaders said that was them well-behaved!
I also opened up to someone about how I felt. I actually thought it was normal and was looking for reassurance that it was OK and would ease up after my exams were over. I first talked to my guide leader. I talked to her because I have always felt that I could talk to her and, deep down, I knew that she would tell me what I needed to hear not what I wanted to hear. She listened and tried to give as much advice as she could but thought it would be best for someone in my school to know about this. I didn't think I was up for telling somebody else but she told me that she would talk to my other guide leader, my biology teacher. I then talked to her the next day. While I was being open, I wasn't telling the whole story. A controlling part of me doesn't want to let anyone know that whole thing. I had had issues during GCSE that I was very open about, physically anyway. I suffered from exhaustion and let everyone know about it. I said it was probably because of a virus, not because of anxiety!
I still wasn't feeling myself that night and a friend texted me. I can't remember now what she said but it just made me think that she would understand so I told her everything. It felt good to tell people, but I was still not very open! I went to my GP the next week and got prescribed beta-blockers which I didn't take. I didn't want to take anything that could affect my performance in exams! Looking back, not sleeping would have affected me more! That was when I got diagnosed with anxiety, not that I knew! I also genuinely thought that I would be better by April!! How naïve I was!
Some relationships became strained through March. The person who I thought was my best-friend started to become annoyed at m because I would drop out of plans because I wasn't well and then because I wouldn't tell her what was wrong. I was annoyed at her because I thought that if you truly cared about someone you would leave them until they are ready to open up to you, you wouldn't force them to open up if they are not ready. I was, and still am, convinced she only wanted to know so she could say she knew and because she was nosey, not because she cared. I also had a few rough times with my mum. I still remember clear as day being told by her that I'm wasting my life and that she would live my life completely differently if she was me. This was all because I told her I wasn't going to go out drinking the next night as I wasn't feeling well. One of the reasons I held off telling her about what was going on.
I got the result of the module I had sat in January. I got an A. I was amazed. I have always been good at biology but I had done very little work for it and A-levels are hard!
I also opened up to someone about how I felt. I actually thought it was normal and was looking for reassurance that it was OK and would ease up after my exams were over. I first talked to my guide leader. I talked to her because I have always felt that I could talk to her and, deep down, I knew that she would tell me what I needed to hear not what I wanted to hear. She listened and tried to give as much advice as she could but thought it would be best for someone in my school to know about this. I didn't think I was up for telling somebody else but she told me that she would talk to my other guide leader, my biology teacher. I then talked to her the next day. While I was being open, I wasn't telling the whole story. A controlling part of me doesn't want to let anyone know that whole thing. I had had issues during GCSE that I was very open about, physically anyway. I suffered from exhaustion and let everyone know about it. I said it was probably because of a virus, not because of anxiety!
I still wasn't feeling myself that night and a friend texted me. I can't remember now what she said but it just made me think that she would understand so I told her everything. It felt good to tell people, but I was still not very open! I went to my GP the next week and got prescribed beta-blockers which I didn't take. I didn't want to take anything that could affect my performance in exams! Looking back, not sleeping would have affected me more! That was when I got diagnosed with anxiety, not that I knew! I also genuinely thought that I would be better by April!! How naïve I was!
Some relationships became strained through March. The person who I thought was my best-friend started to become annoyed at m because I would drop out of plans because I wasn't well and then because I wouldn't tell her what was wrong. I was annoyed at her because I thought that if you truly cared about someone you would leave them until they are ready to open up to you, you wouldn't force them to open up if they are not ready. I was, and still am, convinced she only wanted to know so she could say she knew and because she was nosey, not because she cared. I also had a few rough times with my mum. I still remember clear as day being told by her that I'm wasting my life and that she would live my life completely differently if she was me. This was all because I told her I wasn't going to go out drinking the next night as I wasn't feeling well. One of the reasons I held off telling her about what was going on.
I got the result of the module I had sat in January. I got an A. I was amazed. I have always been good at biology but I had done very little work for it and A-levels are hard!
April
April brought Easter. That meant there was only a couple of weeks of school left ever before study leave. I was scared stiff. The whole year I felt ready to move on, be more adult and go to university, but now I was facing it I didn't want any of that. I wanted the comfort and security that the school had given me for the past 7 years. Because of this and the impending exams, my anxiety was getting out of control. There were times when I had 3 hours sleep and went into school and onto Rainbows and Guides, not getting home to 10pm only to get very little sleep again and repeat it all the next day. I couldn't take a day off school. I didn't want to miss anything important. There was two days I was physically sick before going into school and one day when I fainted in the morning when I was getting ready. I didn't let it stop me but. I never told anyone either. I didn't want them to think I was weaker than them in any way. I also started having 'bad' thoughts. The voices- as I call them to make them easier to ignore- were telling me to do things that I didn't like. I had never felt like that and didn't want to feel like that. Little did I know it was the beginning of a downward spiral.
April wasn't all bad. 11th April was by far the best! I knew it was going to be a fun but challenging. It was my guide units annual parents night. My best friend and I were doing a dance to an ABBA megamix that I created myself! I couldn't wait to see what people would think of both the music and the dance but was also nervous in case they didn't like it. When it came time to perform it, we had went over everything that could go wrong; forgetting the routine, music not being right etc, except the one thing that did go wrong! My shoes were a little loose and during one of the moves flew off and hit a Brownie in the face!! It was hilarious looking back but I thought it was so embarrassing. The Brownie was OK and thought it was funny! I got a good number of awards during the prize giving, including Senior Section of the Year (3rd time I've won it). I kind of felt like a show off but I did earn it all so...
The best thing about the night definitely came before parents night. I had guessed that my mother was planning something, but I had no idea what. When she came home, she sent me a message with a picture attached. The message read "Mummy do you want to come out and play". This was weird! The picture was a car! A CAR! I had always dreamt of getting a car but never thought it would happen! It was used from money my mum had got from my Granny and Granda when they died so it was like a present from them. I loved it, still do! I called it Holly. It has given me so much independence.
April wasn't all bad. 11th April was by far the best! I knew it was going to be a fun but challenging. It was my guide units annual parents night. My best friend and I were doing a dance to an ABBA megamix that I created myself! I couldn't wait to see what people would think of both the music and the dance but was also nervous in case they didn't like it. When it came time to perform it, we had went over everything that could go wrong; forgetting the routine, music not being right etc, except the one thing that did go wrong! My shoes were a little loose and during one of the moves flew off and hit a Brownie in the face!! It was hilarious looking back but I thought it was so embarrassing. The Brownie was OK and thought it was funny! I got a good number of awards during the prize giving, including Senior Section of the Year (3rd time I've won it). I kind of felt like a show off but I did earn it all so...
The best thing about the night definitely came before parents night. I had guessed that my mother was planning something, but I had no idea what. When she came home, she sent me a message with a picture attached. The message read "Mummy do you want to come out and play". This was weird! The picture was a car! A CAR! I had always dreamt of getting a car but never thought it would happen! It was used from money my mum had got from my Granny and Granda when they died so it was like a present from them. I loved it, still do! I called it Holly. It has given me so much independence.
May
May started with a good moment- I got rid of my R plates! For people not from Northern Ireland, R plates are something you have to have up for a year after you pass your driving test and restricts you to 45mph. I couldn't believe it had been a year since I had done my driving test. It was scary to think I'd been on the road a year.
I finished school for study leave. The only time I would be in that building again as a pupil would be to sit exams. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I think that was mostly because I could tell myself that I would be back and this wasn't the end completely.
May marked my 6th anniversary of volunteering at my local Slimming World class. I can't even remember the 12 year old me that started there. I was only in first year. I've grown up in that place and become the person I am today around those people.
The guy I had started seeing in January broke up with me in May. I didn't really mind, I had kind of drifted apart from him. What I did care about was the reason he used for breaking up with me. He said it was because he was fed up with me being ill... I couldn't help that I was sick! I found out that my so-called best friend had been slabbering to him about me the whole time. She had been telling him that there was nothing really wrong with me and I was making it all up and that if I really cared about him, I would sacrifice some studying time to hang out with him, after all she was spending time with her boyfriend. I hated them both. Him for believing her and breaking up with me over a stupid reason. Her for talking about me behind my back. Him dumping me for that reason has prevented me from going out with anyone else. I have got worse than what I was when I met him. If he couldn't handle that, how can someone handle what I am now? I'm scared of it happening again.
Exams started!! I worked myself mad when I was off on study leave. I worked 9-5 with an hours break in the middle of the day for lunch. The only other breaks I had were waiting for the kettle to boil so I could have more tea! I still wasn't confident that I had done enough work to get into uni. I was fairly confident about biology as I only needed 6 marks to get the B required for my course and 66 for the A I desired. It was the other two subjects, in particular chemistry, that I wasn't as confident with. I just wanted to get to university more than anything else and worked to make that possible.
I was still feeling really anxious and probably depressed, looking back. But I put my health to one side and decided my education was more important! NOT the right frame of mind. Yes, education is important, but health is the most important. I've learnt that now.
I finished school for study leave. The only time I would be in that building again as a pupil would be to sit exams. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I think that was mostly because I could tell myself that I would be back and this wasn't the end completely.
May marked my 6th anniversary of volunteering at my local Slimming World class. I can't even remember the 12 year old me that started there. I was only in first year. I've grown up in that place and become the person I am today around those people.
The guy I had started seeing in January broke up with me in May. I didn't really mind, I had kind of drifted apart from him. What I did care about was the reason he used for breaking up with me. He said it was because he was fed up with me being ill... I couldn't help that I was sick! I found out that my so-called best friend had been slabbering to him about me the whole time. She had been telling him that there was nothing really wrong with me and I was making it all up and that if I really cared about him, I would sacrifice some studying time to hang out with him, after all she was spending time with her boyfriend. I hated them both. Him for believing her and breaking up with me over a stupid reason. Her for talking about me behind my back. Him dumping me for that reason has prevented me from going out with anyone else. I have got worse than what I was when I met him. If he couldn't handle that, how can someone handle what I am now? I'm scared of it happening again.
Exams started!! I worked myself mad when I was off on study leave. I worked 9-5 with an hours break in the middle of the day for lunch. The only other breaks I had were waiting for the kettle to boil so I could have more tea! I still wasn't confident that I had done enough work to get into uni. I was fairly confident about biology as I only needed 6 marks to get the B required for my course and 66 for the A I desired. It was the other two subjects, in particular chemistry, that I wasn't as confident with. I just wanted to get to university more than anything else and worked to make that possible.
I was still feeling really anxious and probably depressed, looking back. But I put my health to one side and decided my education was more important! NOT the right frame of mind. Yes, education is important, but health is the most important. I've learnt that now.
June
June was mostly filled with doing exams. I had 5 exams in total. Three of which were chemistry. I was done with chemistry when the exam period was over! I finished on 17th June. That was a tough day. I had two exams, ICT and chemistry unit 5. I took a massive panic attack the morning before my ICT exam. I was expected to get a pretty good mark in the paper, an A or A*, but I couldn't control my panic. I took another panic attack in the middle of the exam which scrambled all my thoughts. I couldn't think straight. Luckily the paper is notorious for being too long for the work you have to do so I was able to take some time to compose myself. I felt calmer going into my chemistry exam. Out of all the chemistry papers I was sitting in that exam period, that was the one I was least confident with until the week before when it all suddenly clicked and I understood it. I must have been more expressive than I thought because the invigilator came up to me as she was collecting my paper and said I looked very worried.
I went home and played All For One, a song from High School Musical 2, at full blast! No one could ruin my happiness that day- or so I thought. I was knackered so I decided I would take a nap before my mum came home. I thought that I could make her dinner while she was out for a walk. However, she was in a bad mood and apparently didn't want to have a walk. She started asking about how the exams went, knowing I don't like talking about exams because it makes me over analyse them. I told her I didn't want to talk about it. She changed topic to how I felt about that being the last time I was in the school as a pupil. I hadn't really thought about it. She then started taunting me asking if I cried. I snapped at her then, I don't cry. She huffed off into the kitchen and made dinner. Half-way through she came in, stood over me and basically tore me apart. She said things like "You are such a selfish child" and "You're loved too much I think that's your problem, you don't know what its really like". I ran off to my room (to cry) and she gave me evils the rest of the night. It was awful. I never thought she could be like that.
I went to my GP again. I still wasn't sleeping and it was really getting to me. I was emotional, couldn't handle my temper and everything overwhelmed me. I didn't know how to phrase this to my GP so I just said I still wasn't sleeping. All I got back was "That would be your anxiety". That was how I found out I had anxiety! He did nothing to help me and made me think that there was no point in going back since they don't help at all.
I had a really fun week in June. My cousin won a trip to LA for some game convention. She needed someone to look after the house, her 4 year old daughter and her dog. I offered of course, not thinking that it was slap-bang in the middle of my exams. I figured it would be OK as Hayley goes to bed at like 7 and I could keep her at her grannies all day to give me peace. However, some days her granny got fed up with her and threw her up to me while I was still working. Hayley was perfect but. I explained to her that I had to work and that I couldn't talk but if she needed me I would be there. She just nodded and said that was OK and she would watch her cartoons on her iPad instead on the TV so she didn't bother me. I love that wee girl!! She had no problems going to bed. As soon as she got cuddle time, she was out like a light in 5 minutes. Her granny looked after her one night and at 9 she was still running about wide awake. I came in, put her to bed and got her asleep in minutes. It surprised me that I'd be better with her than her granny.
At the end of June, I went on my first holiday on my own. I went to Tenerife with the person who used to be my best friend. We had booked it the year before. Honestly, if we were booking it any later, I wouldn't have went. I didn't really talk to her much anymore and I didn't really feel up to a whole week of putting a mask on. I enjoyed it but I loved being home again!
I went home and played All For One, a song from High School Musical 2, at full blast! No one could ruin my happiness that day- or so I thought. I was knackered so I decided I would take a nap before my mum came home. I thought that I could make her dinner while she was out for a walk. However, she was in a bad mood and apparently didn't want to have a walk. She started asking about how the exams went, knowing I don't like talking about exams because it makes me over analyse them. I told her I didn't want to talk about it. She changed topic to how I felt about that being the last time I was in the school as a pupil. I hadn't really thought about it. She then started taunting me asking if I cried. I snapped at her then, I don't cry. She huffed off into the kitchen and made dinner. Half-way through she came in, stood over me and basically tore me apart. She said things like "You are such a selfish child" and "You're loved too much I think that's your problem, you don't know what its really like". I ran off to my room (to cry) and she gave me evils the rest of the night. It was awful. I never thought she could be like that.
I went to my GP again. I still wasn't sleeping and it was really getting to me. I was emotional, couldn't handle my temper and everything overwhelmed me. I didn't know how to phrase this to my GP so I just said I still wasn't sleeping. All I got back was "That would be your anxiety". That was how I found out I had anxiety! He did nothing to help me and made me think that there was no point in going back since they don't help at all.
I had a really fun week in June. My cousin won a trip to LA for some game convention. She needed someone to look after the house, her 4 year old daughter and her dog. I offered of course, not thinking that it was slap-bang in the middle of my exams. I figured it would be OK as Hayley goes to bed at like 7 and I could keep her at her grannies all day to give me peace. However, some days her granny got fed up with her and threw her up to me while I was still working. Hayley was perfect but. I explained to her that I had to work and that I couldn't talk but if she needed me I would be there. She just nodded and said that was OK and she would watch her cartoons on her iPad instead on the TV so she didn't bother me. I love that wee girl!! She had no problems going to bed. As soon as she got cuddle time, she was out like a light in 5 minutes. Her granny looked after her one night and at 9 she was still running about wide awake. I came in, put her to bed and got her asleep in minutes. It surprised me that I'd be better with her than her granny.
At the end of June, I went on my first holiday on my own. I went to Tenerife with the person who used to be my best friend. We had booked it the year before. Honestly, if we were booking it any later, I wouldn't have went. I didn't really talk to her much anymore and I didn't really feel up to a whole week of putting a mask on. I enjoyed it but I loved being home again!
July
Summer!!
When I came home from Tenerife, I had a whole month of nothing planned! I went to see Mrs Brown's Boys D'Movie (Very good I highly recommend it) with my friend Louise. I also started texting a guy from school. I knew he fancied me but I didn't feel the same way and quite frankly, didn't feel up to a relationship. I kept telling him that I wasn't well and needed time to get back to me and he eased off, for about a week at a time. I wish now that I had just told him I wasn't interested and to leave me alone.
Louise dragged me back to my GP. I had told her that the voices were back and worrying me. I had started limiting the food I ate, telling myself that I didn't need to eat and that I was fat. What really made me worried was one thought I had that called me a "fat cow" and the self harm thoughts that were back with a vengeance. I didn't tell my GP about self-harming, mainly because saying it made it real which I wasn't ready for. She listened to everything I said and said I had depression as well as anxiety. She gave me 10mg citalopram. Although I don't really like taking medication, I knew I would because I wanted to get better for September.
At the end of July, I went to my second International Camp with Girlguiding. This one was in Cavan, Ireland which was a little closer than Finland two years ago!! I was slightly nervous because I didn't want the younger guides knowing about it but I felt reassured that Louise and the first guide leader I'd spoken to, J, would be there if I needed them. I had a panic attack one night. It was during a disco in a tent thing. Everyone was jumping about and the floor was moving and I was really far away from the door. I couldn't cope. I ran to the toilet and came back to chaos. The camp was being evacuated because of bad weather. Most people who saw how bad I was assumed it was because of the evacuation, not because of the disco. I didn't correct them.
When I came home from Tenerife, I had a whole month of nothing planned! I went to see Mrs Brown's Boys D'Movie (Very good I highly recommend it) with my friend Louise. I also started texting a guy from school. I knew he fancied me but I didn't feel the same way and quite frankly, didn't feel up to a relationship. I kept telling him that I wasn't well and needed time to get back to me and he eased off, for about a week at a time. I wish now that I had just told him I wasn't interested and to leave me alone.
Louise dragged me back to my GP. I had told her that the voices were back and worrying me. I had started limiting the food I ate, telling myself that I didn't need to eat and that I was fat. What really made me worried was one thought I had that called me a "fat cow" and the self harm thoughts that were back with a vengeance. I didn't tell my GP about self-harming, mainly because saying it made it real which I wasn't ready for. She listened to everything I said and said I had depression as well as anxiety. She gave me 10mg citalopram. Although I don't really like taking medication, I knew I would because I wanted to get better for September.
At the end of July, I went to my second International Camp with Girlguiding. This one was in Cavan, Ireland which was a little closer than Finland two years ago!! I was slightly nervous because I didn't want the younger guides knowing about it but I felt reassured that Louise and the first guide leader I'd spoken to, J, would be there if I needed them. I had a panic attack one night. It was during a disco in a tent thing. Everyone was jumping about and the floor was moving and I was really far away from the door. I couldn't cope. I ran to the toilet and came back to chaos. The camp was being evacuated because of bad weather. Most people who saw how bad I was assumed it was because of the evacuation, not because of the disco. I didn't correct them.
August
August was a pretty big month!
I got my exams results on 14th August. I was dreading the day more than anything but I also couldn't wait for it to get here. It was the day when I would find out if I had got to university, the first person in my family, and if all my hard work had paid off. The university I had applied to, QUB, puts up online at 7am whether you have been given a space. I was up a 6.30 to make sure I would be logged on and ready for 7. I logged in, found out... I GOT IN!!!! I was sooo pleased, I couldn't believe it. This had been my dream for ages and I made it :) I was proud of myself. I had to wait to 9am to get my results. Although I knew I was in, I was still a nervous wreck when I opened the envelope. I stared at the sheet in disbelief. AAA. 3As. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought that I would get 3As. It was beyond amazing. It showed me that yes, I went through hell, but it was worth it.
Got to go to see Ant & Dec's Takeaway on tour. It was amazing. I was at an aisle on the floor so Ant ran right beside me a few times!
I found Anxiety United. I don't know what I would have done the past few months if I had not discovered this site. The people are amazing, always there to help you no matter what they are going through themselves. They have been with me in ups and downs.
I went to Edinburgh with my mum and aunt. It wasn't planned, I was forced to go because my mum was worried about me since I had collapsed earlier in the week and refused to believe that I really was OK!
I got my exams results on 14th August. I was dreading the day more than anything but I also couldn't wait for it to get here. It was the day when I would find out if I had got to university, the first person in my family, and if all my hard work had paid off. The university I had applied to, QUB, puts up online at 7am whether you have been given a space. I was up a 6.30 to make sure I would be logged on and ready for 7. I logged in, found out... I GOT IN!!!! I was sooo pleased, I couldn't believe it. This had been my dream for ages and I made it :) I was proud of myself. I had to wait to 9am to get my results. Although I knew I was in, I was still a nervous wreck when I opened the envelope. I stared at the sheet in disbelief. AAA. 3As. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought that I would get 3As. It was beyond amazing. It showed me that yes, I went through hell, but it was worth it.
Got to go to see Ant & Dec's Takeaway on tour. It was amazing. I was at an aisle on the floor so Ant ran right beside me a few times!
I found Anxiety United. I don't know what I would have done the past few months if I had not discovered this site. The people are amazing, always there to help you no matter what they are going through themselves. They have been with me in ups and downs.
I went to Edinburgh with my mum and aunt. It wasn't planned, I was forced to go because my mum was worried about me since I had collapsed earlier in the week and refused to believe that I really was OK!
September
September was filled with a number of firsts.
Before everything really got going, I got a new phone. It is an iPhone 5c yellow. I have wanted one since they came out but thought it was better waiting until I was starting uni to get it.
On 13th September, I did a skydive from 13,000ft to raise money for Tinylife, a Northern Irish charity that helps families or sick and premature babies. This has always been a lifelong dream of mine. I don't have words to describe how amazing it was. I definitely want to do another one! It was amazing.
The next week, I started university. I was so scared about starting, thinking that I wouldn't make any friends and I would hate it even though its all I've ever wanted. I don't hate it- I love it. The work is challenging but interesting which makes up for it! And I have made friends!
Before everything really got going, I got a new phone. It is an iPhone 5c yellow. I have wanted one since they came out but thought it was better waiting until I was starting uni to get it.
On 13th September, I did a skydive from 13,000ft to raise money for Tinylife, a Northern Irish charity that helps families or sick and premature babies. This has always been a lifelong dream of mine. I don't have words to describe how amazing it was. I definitely want to do another one! It was amazing.
The next week, I started university. I was so scared about starting, thinking that I wouldn't make any friends and I would hate it even though its all I've ever wanted. I don't hate it- I love it. The work is challenging but interesting which makes up for it! And I have made friends!
October
University started in full swing this month! That involved getting used to a whole new routine, one that changed from day to day, getting used to travelling two hours a day and being around lots of people I didn't know. It all seemed overwhelming at first. I don't like change and the change from school to university was much bigger than I thought it would. Is it any wonder that when I went to my GP for my check-up that I got my dose upped to 20mg of citalopram? She also recommended trying my universities counselling service. I think this was because I would get it quicker than going NHS but I went ahead and booked an appointment.
I was rather excited and dubious about starting but now I am glad I did. I only got 6 sessions which have long stopped, but they did help. They helped me realise that professionals do listen and I shouldn't really be scared about opening up to them. Because they were impartial, I could talk about problems with friends, family and education without fear of it offending them or it being passed on. Opening up helped so much!
October started with me doing my second Peer Educator session. This one was on stress management. It was being delivered to my own Senior Section so I felt a little more comfortable. On the other hand, I was more nervous because they knew me and I feared they would not take me seriously and take in anything I said. From the reports we got back, it was a success! Two down, I can do this!
Towards the end of October, one of the worst things imaginable happened to my mum. She was walking the dog when he got spooked and dragged her to the ground, breaking her elbow and a couple of ribs. My mum is one of the most independent women I know, so this was awful for her. She was now relying on me to drive her everywhere, do all the housework and do everything she couldn't do. She didn't take to it too well and lashed out once or twice. The way she lashed out made me feel like I wasn't good enough and that I was failing her. I have a belief that I am a failure so if anyone says anything against me, I jump to "I'm such a failure". We got past it and survived the four weeks she was in plaster.
I was rather excited and dubious about starting but now I am glad I did. I only got 6 sessions which have long stopped, but they did help. They helped me realise that professionals do listen and I shouldn't really be scared about opening up to them. Because they were impartial, I could talk about problems with friends, family and education without fear of it offending them or it being passed on. Opening up helped so much!
October started with me doing my second Peer Educator session. This one was on stress management. It was being delivered to my own Senior Section so I felt a little more comfortable. On the other hand, I was more nervous because they knew me and I feared they would not take me seriously and take in anything I said. From the reports we got back, it was a success! Two down, I can do this!
Towards the end of October, one of the worst things imaginable happened to my mum. She was walking the dog when he got spooked and dragged her to the ground, breaking her elbow and a couple of ribs. My mum is one of the most independent women I know, so this was awful for her. She was now relying on me to drive her everywhere, do all the housework and do everything she couldn't do. She didn't take to it too well and lashed out once or twice. The way she lashed out made me feel like I wasn't good enough and that I was failing her. I have a belief that I am a failure so if anyone says anything against me, I jump to "I'm such a failure". We got past it and survived the four weeks she was in plaster.
November
Nothing really exciting happened this month. I was continuing in university, though doing very little work outside it. I was still going to counselling, though this stopped halfway through the month. I was still getting patches where I felt very anxious and depressed. But I was surviving.
I got my exam timetable at the end of November. This caused almost instant panic the moment I even saw it was online. Exams always put me into a state where I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. I'm so scared of letting people down and failing it is unreal!
I got my medication changed because citalopram was having no effect at all anymore. I am now on 75mg Efexor (venlafaxine). I did struggle with being put onto new medication. I felt that I should be getting better, not worse as it appeared I was. I now mostly accept that I am using the medication as a crutch to get better and when I am able, I will come off it.
I got my exam timetable at the end of November. This caused almost instant panic the moment I even saw it was online. Exams always put me into a state where I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. I'm so scared of letting people down and failing it is unreal!
I got my medication changed because citalopram was having no effect at all anymore. I am now on 75mg Efexor (venlafaxine). I did struggle with being put onto new medication. I felt that I should be getting better, not worse as it appeared I was. I now mostly accept that I am using the medication as a crutch to get better and when I am able, I will come off it.
December
DECEMBER!! Nearly 2015!!
December has been interesting! I went to see John Bishop. This involved me driving to Belfast, which is busy this time of year, staying up late (difficult) and managing crowds. I somehow coped with all of this and had a wee breakdown at home when it was all over but was proud of myself for getting though it!
I was referred to my Community Mental Health Team for an assessment by my GP. I wasn't expecting this because I kind of thought they were just going to continuously throw drugs at me. However, I was probably referred because, at my last appointment, I asked be sent for CBT! I want to get better and I believe CBT could help me.
It was my birthday. I am now 19! Scary to think that I am properly an adult! It did make me think about how in the last year, I have achieved a lot but I have suffered a lot too. This coming year I want to work hard to controlling my anxiety so this time next year I can say 19 was a good age! 18 certainly wasn't.
CHRISTMAS. I love it! However, I have had a few dips this year. It's harder than I thought keeping up a "I'm OK" mask all day because my parents are both off and I don't want questions to be asked. I have got through it but! :)
December has been interesting! I went to see John Bishop. This involved me driving to Belfast, which is busy this time of year, staying up late (difficult) and managing crowds. I somehow coped with all of this and had a wee breakdown at home when it was all over but was proud of myself for getting though it!
I was referred to my Community Mental Health Team for an assessment by my GP. I wasn't expecting this because I kind of thought they were just going to continuously throw drugs at me. However, I was probably referred because, at my last appointment, I asked be sent for CBT! I want to get better and I believe CBT could help me.
It was my birthday. I am now 19! Scary to think that I am properly an adult! It did make me think about how in the last year, I have achieved a lot but I have suffered a lot too. This coming year I want to work hard to controlling my anxiety so this time next year I can say 19 was a good age! 18 certainly wasn't.
CHRISTMAS. I love it! However, I have had a few dips this year. It's harder than I thought keeping up a "I'm OK" mask all day because my parents are both off and I don't want questions to be asked. I have got through it but! :)
So that was 2014! 2015 come at me bro!
Lastly, I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who helped me through this year, not least Louise and J. I seriously owe youse two my life! Who knows where I would be if Louise hadn't dragged me back to my GP!
Happy New Year!
Lastly, I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who helped me through this year, not least Louise and J. I seriously owe youse two my life! Who knows where I would be if Louise hadn't dragged me back to my GP!
Happy New Year!